I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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