At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
