I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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