You smell like a Billy Joel song
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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