You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize