Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
