dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
