Don't you send me to vm
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
