get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
