I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
