I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize