you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
