my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
