I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
