When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
