Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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