In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
