Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
