we have pet lesbian snakes
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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