His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you will always have a special place in my vag
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
