she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
