you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
