If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
