It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
