I love black thongs
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
