i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
