i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
