Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
