he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm like, not good at living.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
