drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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