I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
