Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
