Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
