It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
