I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
