i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
two words...techno handjob
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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