I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
