rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
