Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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