I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
