dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
