i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
