I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize