I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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