Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
