can u get pink eye on your cock?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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