Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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