Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
