I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
