Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
