My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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