I want to have your abortion
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
