every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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