plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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