Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you traded sex for a burrito?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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