someone threw a dead crab at me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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