Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
