Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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