Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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