I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
